Belated Saturdays: Shit My Friends Say

Holla Amigos!

Firstly, I'm sorry. Secondly, I am L-A-Z-Y. A LAZY LAZY LAZY MOFO. That is why I haven't written lately and I blame no one but myself. (And that slut of a HSC) But, holidays are coming up, and I vow, much like Sam-Wise to help Frodo take The Ring to Mordor, that I will blog once a day the WHOLE holiday. Until then however, my posts shall be slightly speratic at best. So, moving on to a Belated Saturday post, or early?

Now,  lets make it clear, I love my friends...kind of. But something of the things that come out of their mouths leave me all like 'What you talkin bout Lewis?' but lets get on with this shall we? Enough dillydallying My Dear Watson.

1. Kdot.

Let me just start by saying this: moron. Now that's cleared up, lets move onto the reason WHY I so LOATHE this. Like seriously, LOATHE. I was recently engaged in a somewhat redundant text-convo and they replied 'Kdot'. Thats not even a word! Why or why must the teenager's of this generation feel the need to completely graffiti all over the English language?

2. 'About that...'

About what? I mean seriously, about what? Do you know where your going with this because I sure as don't have a god-damn clue. If your going to give me this peice of crap at least have a direction, you don't sit in a car without taking it anywhere. Unless your at the car sale person....but even then you have the INTENTION of taking it somewhere. God, this is so annoying! Someone says 'About that...' and everybody laughs. And I am just sitting there like; 

3. Its because I'm black!

No. Its because your a moron. Regardless of your race. I swear to someone's religious deity, that the next time someone says 'Its because I'm black' I will make them eat a bag of skittles just so I can say "Look! Now your a rainbow...and I still hate you." Could you please, for the sake of humanity, try and contain your stupidity. On a side note, my friend who says this, put vanilla to shame. If your going to say this, at least you know, be PC 'Colored'.

(And yes, I am aware of the irony)


Thats it for today my lovely's....LOL jokes I'll post again this afternoon!
Stay Awesome!

The Awkward Moment When...Your Friend Zoned

Holla, my lovely jubbly's. (Just go with it!) So, this is my third post today, I know my posting schedule acts a bit like a girl PMS-ing. Half the time ignoring you, half the time all up in yo' face. Oh well. If you didn't like it you wouldn't read it. Unless...blink twice if your reading this against your will!

So, for a traditional Tuesday Post: The Awkward Moment When....Your Friend Zoned.

Alright, go on, admit it, you just cringed like a little girl. Then you thought about all the times you've been friend zoned right? And then, let me guess, you called out to your mum asking if there was any ice-cream in the fridge. Its cool. We've all been there. It feels like someone just blew up your death-star doesn't it? Now, firstly I am sympathetic to your woes, trust me, I know how you feel. Some say that the 'Friend Zone' is a lie that pathetic people use, because in actuality they just weren't good enough for the other person and effectively will never be. They have played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed.

Is it just me or when you a friend zoned do you feel like smacking every happy couple in the face with a sledge-hammer? It can't just be me. I must admit, recently, I have been 'Friend Zoned' and I didn't know if I wanted to shoot him or eat my own arm of for telling him. They both seemed a bit extreme, so instead I'm blogging about it to complete and utter strangers.  Totally the better choice.  I was all like 'Woah' and he was like 'No' and was like 'Oh'.

So, I figure, since I cannot be the only one out there who is getting friend zoned, that I might provide some tips to dealing with it? I mean the friend-zone isn't all bad. At least your family-zoned. Thats a bummer....unless your into that.

1. Pretend Your Fine

Seriously, no one likes a cry baby. I understand it, it hurts, but its like a paper cut. Hurts like a mofo but forgotten after a few minutes.

2. (Continuing the Paper Cut Metaphor) Do NOT Go Near Any God Damn Lemons

Sometimes its their fault your hurting, but most of the time, its YOURS! If you've been friend-zoned but insist on hanging out with them and their partner(The Metaphorical Lemon), I will not hesitate to throw acid on you. Your bring that pain upon yourself dear human.

3. Grow A Pair

The final tip from me, actually does not come from me, but rather my homie, Batman. (Seriously, we're tight.)

Until Next Time Sunshines!

Belated Saturday: Shit my Friends Say

First of all, yes I did skip Friday? Why. Because I wanted to. Got a problem with that? Do ya? Do ya? I didn't think so. So here's the thing, before I continue, I would like to say I failed at blogging everyday. If I were Japanese I would fall on my sword in dishonor. But seeing as I am not, nor do I have a sword, I shall be lest dramatic and offer you a simple apology. JOKES. So, new deal, a blog post a week, I pink promise!(And don't say that that is childish, this shit's legit!) If I do more lucky you, if I don't then may I be hung drawn and quartered!

So, lets start with shit my friends say. I swear, when friends say the below things I almost wonder why it is still illegal to shoot people.

1. Yolo

 

OK first of all, did you know that Yolo was originally placed on the doors of brothels signaling those who were available for 'back-door' sex. (If you know what I am saying).  So when you shout out to your teacher in class YOLO you are in actually signaling you want anal sex. Did you just go visual? I bet you did.

Yet, lets operate on the premise that Yolo means that You Only Live Once, not only is this offense to both Buddhist's and Cats, it is being used as an excuse to dumb-moronic shit. Yolo is not an excuse for paddling of a cliff in a glass canoe, for not doing your assignment, or for going snowboarding in nothing but a lacy thong. No. Yolo is not an excuse for you to act like a idiot. Seriously, stop.

As far as I am concerned YOLO means You Obviously Lack Originality.

2. Ya Mum

It seems like this has become the classic comeback of today's generation, almost making me want to attack myself with a cheese grater.  Why you wanna bring my mama into this? Seriously, I will sit on you. And not in the good way. Can you not think of anything more original to say? I really don't need you to bring my mother into this.

I hate when you have an argument with someone, you come back with this an amazingly structured response, throwing in vernacular terms and dumb-downed expression and what they come back with is "Ya Mum!". Not only will this effectively end the argument, but your life in the same sentence.

Oh and 'Yo Mamma' jokes? What the hell kind of crap is that!

3. Suck It

First of all, I would, but my mother told me not to put small things in my mouth. Where did this even originate? You're a girl, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SUCK! Or do you have something to tell me? You tell me to suck it, I will give you a lemon and make you suck it to see how you like it! I mean come the fudge on, If I wanted to suck it I would have done it already don't you think so?

I will punch you. In the face. With all the dreams of me and you remaining friends if you say suck it one more time. Bitch I dare you.

Adios Amigos, stay tuned for more anger filled posts!
Live Long and Prosper 

Belated Thursday: Top Tips To BS

Yo Broski's!

After a lot of 'helpful' whining from several close friends, I have finally gotten around to write the last three days worth of posts. I know, its a little late, and yes, I can feel your eyes burning holes through the computer screen straight into the place my soul would be if I had one (That means you Ally and Shaylee!)  So here it goes, a belated thursday 'top tip' post; '3 Steps to BS!'

1. Keep Calm and Fake It

If you don't actually no what your talking about(And lets face it, do you ever?) Then just pretend that you do. People are to ignorant now-days to question confidence. Seriously, think about it, what do all the Queens and Kings of BS have in common? SWAG. CONFIDENCE. EGOTISM. These are you friends. They are the keys to unlocking the master within you! Seriously, just act like you know what your doing, fake it until you make it!

2. Have a Back Up Plan

If your planning on BS, make sure you prepare ahead of time. I bit of forethought can prevent a nuclear melt down later, seriously, just ask Chereynoble.

3. Keep Calm and Pop the Collar

Its all about body language! Most of what we gather about people is not from verbal cues, its about their body language. So if you act timid and scared and DISHONEST, people won't believe you! So man up and grow a set you big baby! Seriously, if my grandma can own it, so can you! You need to own the space around you as you set up your BS trap, BE PHYSICAL!

I know its short, but theres this little thing called the HSC, maybe you've heard of it?
Adios Lassie's!

5 Reason's Why...I Hate My Generation

Greetings Chums,

You know those things that people do that just grind you the wrong way and you spend the majority of your time in their company killing them over and over again in your mind? I suspect you do. I mean, I have no other introduction other then to just begin with a list of 10 Reasons I Hate this Generation.

1. The Hock an' Spit
I mean seriously, what is with this generation and there need to spit? Its disgusting. You know what I'm talking about, your sitting at the bus stop and this teenage boy with his pants halfway down his butt walks by and spit on the ground right in front of you. Really? Really bitch? Don't make me smash you. Does anyone have a reason why we must spit in public? Anyone?  No? Then keep your bodily fluids to yourself!



2. The Use of 'Bro' in a Serious Sentence
Now, I don't mean to condemn those who through in the casual 'Come at me Bro's' into conversation with friends, by all means go ahead. But, when people start to call their parents, teacher, anybody 'Bro' in a serious conversation....well we may have to rethink somethings.  I can't even explain how much I hate people who use 'bro'. Seriously. Just stop. If you must, why don't you just use something like 'Home Dog' or 'Homie'? People then might at least think your trying to be funny.

3. Music
Word's cannot even express the gaping whole left in my soul as a result of this generations music taste. Where are the Rolling Stones? Metallica? MOTOR HEAD?!?!?! Oh, that's where they are, buried behind Auto-tune and teeny-bopper's. I swear, the next time I turn on the radio and I hear "You don't know your beautiful!" I will chuck a BF.

4. Duck Face's
I just...WHY? Seriously, your cute enough(And if your not I'm sure you have an amazing personality and all) so you don't need to screw your face up to look like a duck! What ever happened to smiling? Its OK to just smile, just smile. If you make a duck face I will assume you are a duck and shoot you.

5. Hipsters.
Really need me to explain this? I hate hipsters. I hate people who hate hipsters. I hate hipster hating hipsters who won't admit that there hipsters. I hate the word hipster. I hate the notion of hipsters. I hate hipsters.

6.Jersey Shore
Seriously? What the hell is this crap? Its a bunch of dumb, ignorant 'people' complaining about their lives, creating drama and pretending to give a crap about each other! Seriously, If I wanted a show like that I would just pay attention to half the people in my school! 
 
Until next time, I bid you adieu! 
Keep Reading

The Awkward Moment....When People Think Your Dating Someone Your Not

Greeting Co-Conspirators,

We all know the feeling. The completely and utterly unpleasant moment when someone thinks your dating someone you would NEVER date, not even if they were the last person on earth after the Zombie Apocalypse. Now, I know you know what I'm talking about, if not, you have either recently come out of a coma, or have spent the vast majority of your life hauled up in your bedroom. It starts with someone asking "Are you two together?" and that's when you find yourself up a metaphorical creek of excrement without any method of propulsion. Way to appear socially awkward.

Unfortunately for me, this has happened numerous times concerning me and my cousin. Before continuing with this post, I would like to state for all intents and purposes, I am NOT dating my cousin and no, this is not like 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman'. This is serious. Like a heart attack. To continue, about a month ago, this blonde chick from Coles asked me for my number, when I told her no, she asked if it was because I was dating 'that blacked haired chick'. That 'black haired chic?' Yeah, she's my cousin. Now, lets get one thing straight, although my cousin is a fine specimen of a girl, she is still, my cousin. And I am not a New Zealander.


Sometimes I really hate people.

However, although it is awkward being on the receiving end, it is perhaps worse being on the giving end.  (No sexual allusions intended). Last week, I was talking to an old friend that I hadn't seen for a while, and we were just chill-banging (without the banging) when this girl came up to him and gave him a hug and a kiss on the check. Obviously, I thought they were dating. So after awhile, I asked "So how long have you to been together?" Turns out they were brother and sister. *Face Palm*

Awkward. So please, if you don't know, don't assume. Because, as they cliche says, to assume makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. That and it just makes everything awkward.

So long gay boys!
(Keep Reading)

Overexposed

Im currently sitting here at the screen, pondering what witty, charming, and utterly insightful opening I should begin with to entrance you, dear reader, to want to continue reading. Should I start with the cliched but ever useful "It was a long time ago in a land far away...."? Should I go more post-modern and start at the end? Maybe you would like it better if I brought you dinner first? Yet, I suppose I will start conventionally with a heart felt 'Welcome'!

If I were a cruel person, I would end this post here, yet unfortunately the blogging decorum dictates that I write more, yet before I move on to the purpose, perhaps a schedule? Lets start with an oath: I, Heather Lobb, solemnly swear that for the remainder of the year, that I shall post once a day on the following itinerary; Mondays: Why Must.... Tuesday: The Awkward Moment When... Wednesday: 10 Reasons Why... Thursday:  I Hate.... Friday: DAFUQ . Saturday: Shit my Friends Say. Sunday: A Theory a Day

Now, thats enough dillydallying for one post, shall we?

I saw this girl last week at the shops, and I swear, her jeans were so short, I saw her...'Area' (If you know what I'm saying!) and I swear, I almost lost my lunch. So, Why Must....girl's today feel the need to expose everything but there 'holy-grail' to the public? What is it with this generation and their desire to expose themselves every. single. day. I get it, you feeling fine, you've been going to the gym all week, upload your 'Boob-Shots' to facebook and got a fake tan that makes you look like a traffic gone; your 'The Shit'. Yet, if I may be so bold as to speak to the generation of 'booty-shakers'...., no offense intended, but you look like a Hoe. I beg of you, put your ass back in your shorts! Better yet, make sure if your going to bend down in the shopping aisle right in front of me, that your shorts cover more then your underwear! We know you have a gluteus maxim-us, and sure its very pretty, but I don't want to see it while Im doing the groceries with my parents. 

Another thing, Why Must....girls post pictures of themselves on facebook, with there tops hanging preciously low, and tag lines like 'Innocent ;)' and then get mad and defensive when someone comments on there...'Large tracks of land'(Yes, That was A Holy Grail Reference). Seriously, you look moronic. Stop it. If you want to demean yourself, thats O-Kizay, but seriously, don't get stuck up when someone makes a pass. Or I will hit you. In the face. With a chair. 

How can we fix this increasingly ridiculous epidemic before it gets to boiling point? I would suggest a nuclear take down...some might think that its a tad extreme. So perhaps, ladies(If that is indeed what you are), you may wish to stop shopping in the children's isle, buy clothes that are big enough for you and gain some self-respect? For the rest of us unfortunate observers, I suggest that you tuck your head between your legs and pray for the end. 

I seriously believe its time for a 'Slut-Intervention'. 

Adios Amigos, Keep Reading!